Single

Sorry, but I'm just not in the mood

to feel your skin during the night

damn human heater,

 that makes me sweat under the sheets.

 I'm very sorry

 but I just dont care about your morning at work, 

or how tired you are and how much you miss me.

I'm really sorry but I cant stand your kisses, 

neither your hugs.

I am sorry...

 but I want to have a shower alone,

 and spend the time with the girls, 

watching chick flick movies 

while eating sweets and going to the gym

to shape my body and my self esteem,

and going out to dance

until the sun says “hello, I'm back again” 

and wake up in a different place,

behaving nice or behaving wild,

with smudge make-up down my cheeks 

and the bitter taste of alcohol. 

 I want to continue studying and earning money 

and improving myself to be a better human being.

 I'm so sorry...

 because I want to avoid the argues

 that used to spoiled my important days

 and keep my mind away from what I really care,

 that is me.

Picture: borrowed from http://nowandforeverbeautiful.tumblr.com/

Querida yo:

PASA DE TODOS. Porque mi queridísima...Nadie te va a querer más que yo. No busques en ellos lo que ya tienes en mi. Yo soy tu mitad, tu otro yo, tu dopple ganger, tu medio limón. Soy todo lo que siempre has querido tener.

Soy simpática y siempre consigo sacarte esa sonrisa que tanto me gusta. Soy la que se interesa por tus hobbies, esos que son extraños y te hacen tan única. soy la que se ha preocupado por conocer tu vida detalle a detalle porque me interesa saber tu pasado, tus amigos, tu familia, tu historia, para poder saber quién eres y de lo que estás hecha. Soy esa que te manda whatsapps para despertarte cuando no está ahí o te trae un ramo de flores a casa para celebrar el día de la cotidianeidad. Soy la que te va a amar de por vida, la que nunca te negará una caricia aún sin pedirla, ni esos mimos que te hacen sentirte todo lo importante que eres. Celebro tus triunfos, te aplaudo en tus logros y te seco las lágrimas cuando tropiezas, o cuando algún necio te parte el corazón porque no sabe ver lo que yo veo en ti. 

Te pido de rodillas que me aceptes como tu legítima esposa para amarte y respetarte todos los días de nuestra vida hasta que la muerte nos separe

porque te quiero y te amo

y nunca seré feliz si no es contigo, amada yo. 

A yawn

  Open the windows

and leave your hair

free

to travel

with the flowing of air

coming and going

to unknown places

and cover

the longest distance

and touch

unshaped bodies

in time cero

invisible

unseen

a rush

a yawn

of the sleepy Love

waking up.

Picture: borrowed from the website "janedorecovery.com" =)

The mirror effect!

Do you know when there is a thought rounding in your head once and again and again and again and finally there is a sort of bulb that turns on almost literaly?! well, the discovery of the "mirror effect" was one of the bulbs that still giving light to my life nowadays. I used to care a lot about people actions and reactions about or against me, specially if I feel mistreated for a lie or any injustice reason. I used to play the role of the victim, used to cry and even beg for the things I didnt have. But suddenly, one day, my mind, as unexpected as always, started working, and I realize that spending a lot of time thinking about the problems that dont have any solution is no more than a waste of time... so I addopted the position of the "mirror effect": if someone doesnt love me, ok, doesnt matter! I wont love you either! If someone decides not to speak with me again because someone said that someone said that someone said that I have said....its oooooooooooooooooooookeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, it doesnt matteeeeeerrrrr, I wont speak with you either!!
and
as unexpected as the electricity of my brain
I discovered
that the "mirror effect" really works. And all the problems finally are solved, and if not, is because I have had enought time to think properly about who is the one who has to beg for.

Sorry for my grammatical mistakes, I consider you as my "ciberfamily", lets put it like that xDD so tonight I dont even try to correct myself. This was just some thoughts I wanted to share.

XOXO!

Secret Point

I found
the paradyse.

Im sorry to tell you
the path is extremely
dangerous,
full of stones
that move
forcing you to climb
or descend
depending on your mood
or your experiences
or lets say
depending on the way
you choose to see them.
-the eyes
unable to see the beauty of the road
are no more than blind.

And there it was
at the middle of nothing
surrounded by...nothing
I discovered
as a child
that have just opened  her eyes
little animals
that I feared first
and then I scrutinized
with the help of a master
that made me enjoy
the ilusions of life.

Landmark

Good morning dear new world!

During this period in which I have been absent I have written some poems that are waiting to be uploaded. But I realize they are quite different from the rest… and I don’t want to upload them without saying all these things that could possibly explain this change:

I’m living a landmark in my live. This is the first moment in my live in which I realize how proud I am of who I am, who I have been and who I am becoming.

I’m doing now the things I had to do many years ago because NOW I feel strong enough to do them and that is extremely important to me in order to cure my “little” disease. I’m discovering a new world, almost literally!! With new people, new hobbies, new opportunities and experiences that I’m going to remember my whole life! Among other things I’m finishing my degree (that’s why I have been so quiet these days xD) and many doors that I always thought were closed are now opening and I’m upset about all the things I’m capable to do.

Of course I continue with my treatment. But I’m sick and tired of the pills and I’m working hard in order to give them up and don’t need them little by little.  Self-harm is not a solution for my anxiety anymore!! Because  I’m not feeling guilty of anything, and I confront my problems and the troublemakers of my life with all the violent and that I used to vent cutting my own flesh. Cowardice isn’t part of my personality, bravery arrived to defeat it. I’m not and I won’t kowtowing to anyone anymore neither! I’m not the same Anne who started writing this blog…

Regarding love…which has always been an important issue of my life, I have decided to stop the search for the right person and stop also wasting tears for people that doesn’t even care about my existence! xD how silly I have been…! I was living before knowing them, so I can continue with my life without them… and with the passing of time I have realize that I am even better without them. You have to throw the rubbish out of your house every day, don’t you? That’s what I’m doing now…throwing the rubbish out of MY sweet modest home, and I love the smell of cleanliness.  My father have always said “I don’t love anyone who doesn’t love me, because they don’t deserve it” and although I have heard him many times saying the same I have never listened to it until now.

No more tears. No more blood. No more past. I like this new world, and I’m ready to go out and eat it and NOONE is going to stop me never again.  The path of my journey doesn’t have a way back,  only walking forward is allowed. 

Kisses and hugs are the only gift that I can gave to the few people that read my blog! Thank you, specially today, for being there!  

Anne Frank

Querido diario...

Deleted

Anne Frank

Desde mi tumba

De vuelta en el lodo

rápido me hundo
primero mis pies
luego mis ojos
y toco lo más profundo.

Se me hace difícil
distinguir el como,
cuando, donde
y sobretodo la cara
que me obligó
a permanecer encerrada.

Las lentas horas pasan
y se transforman en largos años,
y aquí sigo
enterrada, raptada
y sobretodo violada.

Y quiero gritar
pedir ayuda una vez más
pero
¿y si nadie me escucha?
¿y si resulta que el mundo
está demasiado ocupado
mirando para otro lado?

A veces veo voces
y oigo luces por fuera
de este oscuro ataúd
que prometen rescatarme
de entre el barro
y la mala hierba
y me invade la culpa
el pensar que al callarme,
y preferir conformarme
con mi linda cajita
estoy colaborando
a que él siga moldeando
nuevos cadáveres andantes. 

Sui Caedere

I did it

I was planning it

long time ago,

and finally did it

I cutted my veins

slowly and carefuly,

multiple times

while crying and begging

for God to stop my life.

Desperation maybe,

things already lived,

and the thought that

even worst things

are going to happen

to me...

Looking for redemption,

I let the blood flow

I stained the sheets

and felt asleep

after taken lot of pills

Neither the blood,

nor the pills,

nor even Death

took my life.

I woke up

next morning,

birds singing

sun shining

wounds hurting

and head aching

the phone rang

and I picked it up.

It was my mom,

- told me she had

a terrible nightmare

and stayed all night

awaken,

praying for her

only daughter

to be saved

I wont forget

my mom's cries

when she accidentaly

discovered the blood

and the marks.

There are,

there still are,

things to fight for,

new ilusions to find,

new quests to follow

and people that wait

your return home.

We live in a place

sometimes called earth

sometimes called hell

but at least

we know it well.

I dont care who saved me

or where does he or she come from

but thank you

for this second chance.

Picture: Requiem por un suicidio by Carlos Entefí

Gracias

Healing time

It is the awkward tic tac

of the snoring clock,

that marks the nights

you've been alone.

It is the patronizing

tic tac of the clock

that forces your life

in a rude mode.

It's the tic tac song

that wakes you up

and curls up your dreams

the same lulaby

that cures broken hearts

Its now not the same clock

or not the same tic tac 

of an awkward clock,

but a healing sound

that always walks forward,

without looking back.

Picture: unknown

I wonder

 What would you do

if I tell them,

to all of them,

if I tell them,

all those sacred secrets

you want to remain

abolished,

far out of the way

of those amateurish frogs?

what would you do then

If I send

If I sell

your reputation

and let it flow

and go and fall

in procastinated tongues?

To hear every-silent-word

now croaned and croaked

in the highest voice

telling the truth about you

your mischievous mind

and your stone heart?

How would you feel then

if you wake up

and you find out

that every-lie-carefully-built

is now gone

and destroyed

into pieces

of rough materials,

shelled by

the best missile?

How it would be

to see you paying

as much as I paid

alone

for all OUR mistakes

as much as you deserve

my sweetest revenge?

Painting: The Triumph of Justice by Hans Von Aachen

Twisted Scream

Sick and tired of love

and hate and sex

and love and hate and sex.

And all the things around

and all the things which round

and round and round

around everything which means

nothing meaningful to oneself

when one is lost

and lost looking for a muse

that sleeps and dreams

about the perfect love

that loves sex and hate

when hate and love and sex

and love and sex and hate

become then no opposites

but different ways

to the same dreary place.

 

Picture: Scream by Vakhtang Kakulia

An advice for pre-lesbian chicks

I don't know what was

whether her perfume's touch

or her long hair's smell

the spell I was trapped by --

titanical ocean waves

of pleasure disguised

in a new way

that claims

to be secret

to remain

in the most unusual place.

Hidden by the sheets

I woke up

of the sweetest dream

I ever had.

We brushed our hair,

make-up our face

and went out

back to world

as simple friends.

No kisses aloud ,

Neither hugs nor

hanging around

hand on hand.

Satisfy yourself

with invisible glances

But don't think

that she is going

to call you back,

to worry about you,

to care about your life,

your health, your mind.

There is no place

for comprehension my dears;

we are as bad

as they are.

Picture: El columpio-Raymond Monvoisin

Reflexiones de una loca (capítulo I)

Esto que mi psiquiatra se empeña en llamar brote psicótico yo prefiero llamarlo inspiración...

<censored>

I wish I could

stop the time

and my thoughts,

all those words

surrounding my head.

Sometimes with sense

Sometimes without it.

I wish I could…

Return back

some months before.

There would be words

I would have never said.

Neither hear you say.

All those words

surrounding my head

That stupid echo

that never ends,

Sometimes with sense

Sometimes without it

But always there.

I wish I could…

Go over there and tell you

Although I know

there is nothing more to say

I have told you

each of those words

All those words

surrounding my head

That stupid echo

that never ends

And repeats once

…and again

Sometimes with sense

Sometimes without it

but always there…

And here alone

I wish I could…

Kill this circular time,

that drives me to Madness

to lose control

in Euphoria city

or in Sadness town.

Stop this roller coaster

and get out of it

by myself

and continue walking

step by step

but every path

leads me to the same place

God knows I try

And I really wish I could…

stop the time

and my thoughts…

Riverwhore

Don't look at me like that Madame.

I am a bitch

just like you.

I am your husband's

sexual slave

when you are tired

and your kids are asleep.

I also thought

I could never do it.

But I left my heart

           behind,

hidden,

that useless organ

gives no money

but headaches.

Don't be so silly Madame.

I closed my eyes

and went ahead.

I did it,

and He paid for it.

I felt pity for him,

He showed none

for me.

But I sucked,

I ride,

I went on,

I received my money

and I went nowhere

to wipe my tears

                 alone.

Don't be hypocritical Madame.

I'm a bitch

just like you

I sell my body

to everyone

you sell it

to just one.  


Picture: Picasso-Weeping Woman