The mirror effect!

Do you know when there is a thought rounding in your head once and again and again and again and finally there is a sort of bulb that turns on almost literaly?! well, the discovery of the "mirror effect" was one of the bulbs that still giving light to my life nowadays. I used to care a lot about people actions and reactions about or against me, specially if I feel mistreated for a lie or any injustice reason. I used to play the role of the victim, used to cry and even beg for the things I didnt have. But suddenly, one day, my mind, as unexpected as always, started working, and I realize that spending a lot of time thinking about the problems that dont have any solution is no more than a waste of time... so I addopted the position of the "mirror effect": if someone doesnt love me, ok, doesnt matter! I wont love you either! If someone decides not to speak with me again because someone said that someone said that someone said that I have said....its oooooooooooooooooooookeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, it doesnt matteeeeeerrrrr, I wont speak with you either!!
and
as unexpected as the electricity of my brain
I discovered
that the "mirror effect" really works. And all the problems finally are solved, and if not, is because I have had enought time to think properly about who is the one who has to beg for.

Sorry for my grammatical mistakes, I consider you as my "ciberfamily", lets put it like that xDD so tonight I dont even try to correct myself. This was just some thoughts I wanted to share.

XOXO!

Secret Point

I found
the paradyse.

Im sorry to tell you
the path is extremely
dangerous,
full of stones
that move
forcing you to climb
or descend
depending on your mood
or your experiences
or lets say
depending on the way
you choose to see them.
-the eyes
unable to see the beauty of the road
are no more than blind.

And there it was
at the middle of nothing
surrounded by...nothing
I discovered
as a child
that have just opened  her eyes
little animals
that I feared first
and then I scrutinized
with the help of a master
that made me enjoy
the ilusions of life.

Landmark

Good morning dear new world!

During this period in which I have been absent I have written some poems that are waiting to be uploaded. But I realize they are quite different from the rest… and I don’t want to upload them without saying all these things that could possibly explain this change:

I’m living a landmark in my live. This is the first moment in my live in which I realize how proud I am of who I am, who I have been and who I am becoming.

I’m doing now the things I had to do many years ago because NOW I feel strong enough to do them and that is extremely important to me in order to cure my “little” disease. I’m discovering a new world, almost literally!! With new people, new hobbies, new opportunities and experiences that I’m going to remember my whole life! Among other things I’m finishing my degree (that’s why I have been so quiet these days xD) and many doors that I always thought were closed are now opening and I’m upset about all the things I’m capable to do.

Of course I continue with my treatment. But I’m sick and tired of the pills and I’m working hard in order to give them up and don’t need them little by little.  Self-harm is not a solution for my anxiety anymore!! Because  I’m not feeling guilty of anything, and I confront my problems and the troublemakers of my life with all the violent and that I used to vent cutting my own flesh. Cowardice isn’t part of my personality, bravery arrived to defeat it. I’m not and I won’t kowtowing to anyone anymore neither! I’m not the same Anne who started writing this blog…

Regarding love…which has always been an important issue of my life, I have decided to stop the search for the right person and stop also wasting tears for people that doesn’t even care about my existence! xD how silly I have been…! I was living before knowing them, so I can continue with my life without them… and with the passing of time I have realize that I am even better without them. You have to throw the rubbish out of your house every day, don’t you? That’s what I’m doing now…throwing the rubbish out of MY sweet modest home, and I love the smell of cleanliness.  My father have always said “I don’t love anyone who doesn’t love me, because they don’t deserve it” and although I have heard him many times saying the same I have never listened to it until now.

No more tears. No more blood. No more past. I like this new world, and I’m ready to go out and eat it and NOONE is going to stop me never again.  The path of my journey doesn’t have a way back,  only walking forward is allowed. 

Kisses and hugs are the only gift that I can gave to the few people that read my blog! Thank you, specially today, for being there!  

Anne Frank

Querido diario...

Deleted

Anne Frank

Desde mi tumba

De vuelta en el lodo

rápido me hundo
primero mis pies
luego mis ojos
y toco lo más profundo.

Se me hace difícil
distinguir el como,
cuando, donde
y sobretodo la cara
que me obligó
a permanecer encerrada.

Las lentas horas pasan
y se transforman en largos años,
y aquí sigo
enterrada, raptada
y sobretodo violada.

Y quiero gritar
pedir ayuda una vez más
pero
¿y si nadie me escucha?
¿y si resulta que el mundo
está demasiado ocupado
mirando para otro lado?

A veces veo voces
y oigo luces por fuera
de este oscuro ataúd
que prometen rescatarme
de entre el barro
y la mala hierba
y me invade la culpa
el pensar que al callarme,
y preferir conformarme
con mi linda cajita
estoy colaborando
a que él siga moldeando
nuevos cadáveres andantes. 

Sui Caedere

I did it

I was planning it

long time ago,

and finally did it

I cutted my veins

slowly and carefuly,

multiple times

while crying and begging

for God to stop my life.

Desperation maybe,

things already lived,

and the thought that

even worst things

are going to happen

to me...

Looking for redemption,

I let the blood flow

I stained the sheets

and felt asleep

after taken lot of pills

Neither the blood,

nor the pills,

nor even Death

took my life.

I woke up

next morning,

birds singing

sun shining

wounds hurting

and head aching

the phone rang

and I picked it up.

It was my mom,

- told me she had

a terrible nightmare

and stayed all night

awaken,

praying for her

only daughter

to be saved

I wont forget

my mom's cries

when she accidentaly

discovered the blood

and the marks.

There are,

there still are,

things to fight for,

new ilusions to find,

new quests to follow

and people that wait

your return home.

We live in a place

sometimes called earth

sometimes called hell

but at least

we know it well.

I dont care who saved me

or where does he or she come from

but thank you

for this second chance.

Picture: Requiem por un suicidio by Carlos Entefí

Gracias